Sample Composition with corrections 2

An Unforgettable Experience

It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl. I can neither remember the beginning nor the end , but whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely (1) down my cheeks.

When I was young, my family led a poor life in country (2). That evening (3), the weather was very bad, it rained cats and dogs (4). Just at the evening (5), my families (6) were on our way home. Dad held me on his back, Mom held my elder brother’s hand, and held the only umbrella for Dad and me. Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother. As you know (7), the road of country is difficult for people to walk, especially in rainy days. However, they waded (8) together like this (9) in the rain. But I wasn’t comfortable either. I was fat at that time, perhaps it was hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time, for he had almost fallen down (10) for several times (11). In order to decrease the weight to Dad, tried to hold myself-----just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing (12).

When we arrived home, the inner of our house was raining (13) too. Rain dropped from the bad roof everywhere. Mom put bowls and tubs at the right places for rain. Then she put me and my elder brother on dry places of bed (14). I fell asleep soon. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, they caught a bad cold.

This is the earliest memory in my mind, and luckily, it is nothing but my parents’ love, I touched parents’ great love (15) for the first time. Though the evening went away (16), and now we live a happy life, I won’t forget the rain we lived through together, the evening will stay in my mind forever.

Comments:

The basic ideas of this composition are very clear and well-written. It is well-organized and easy to read. However, there are many small mistakes that could be improved. As with most students' compositions, more specific details would have also made it much better.

(1) "whenever I think of the scene, my tears flowed freely down my cheeks" "Whenever" means anytime, which could also be now or in the future, so we should use "flow" rather than the past tense.

(2) "in country" This should be "in the country".

(3) "That evening" "That" refers back to a previously mentioned evening, but the writer didn't mention an evening before. It would be better to write "One evening".

(4) "it rained cats and dogs" Many students rely too much on old, worn-out phrases. Good writing is fresh and includes concrete details. The writer could try something like this: "It had rained hard all day and the old, dirt roads were flooded with water".

(5) "Just at the evening" This should be "In the evening".

(6) "my families" We all have only one family. "My family and I" or "All the members of my family and I" would be better.

(7) "as you know" This phrase is very rarely used and should be reserved for a time when we truly want to emphasize that our readers are aware of a certain fact. In this case, I actually do NOT know that country roads are all difficult to walk on.

(8) "waded" It sounds as though the water was very deep. If that was true, the writer should have already told us "the water covering the road was more than 50cm deep", or something similar. If it is not true, then the writer could write "walked through the heavy rain".

(9) "together like this" "Like this" refers back to a way of walking, but the writer described the country road in the previous sentence, not how they were walking.

(10) "he had almost fallen down" This should be "he almost fell down". We only use "had fallen" if we want to emphasize a previous time when he almost fell. For example, "He had almost fallen down several times before, so now his steps were especially careful".

(11) "for several times" We do not need "for" in this case.

(12) "just in mind, though it sounded funny and did nothing" I have no idea what this means! What is "in mind"? Whose mind is it in? What sound was made? What could it have done if it hadn't done nothing? The whole sentence is very confusing.

(13) "the inner of our house was raining" This sounds as though there were rain clouds inside the house, perhaps with lightning and thunder! Of course, the inside of the house was probably only full of rain water.

(14) "put me on dry places of bed" This should be "put me on a dry spot on the bed".

(15) "I touched parents' great love" "Touch" is not the right word. Maybe "realize", "understood" or possibly "came in touch with" would better express the writer's feeling.

(16) "the evening went away" Evenings do not go away. We could say "the evening ended" or "the evening came to an end".

Revised Composition:

My First Unforgettable Evening

It happened many years ago, when I was a little girl. I can neither remember the beginning nor the end , but whenever I think of the scene, tears flow freely down my cheeks.

When I was young, my family led a poor life in the country. One evening we were visiting some relatives and the weather was very bad. It rained so hard that the roads were flooded with water. On our way home that evening, my Dad carried me on his back. My Mom held my elder brother’s hand, and held an umbrella for Dad and me. Dad gave his overcoat to my elder brother. As you can imagine, many country roads are difficult to walk on. This road was especially bad after the rain. However, we trudged together through the mud and the rain for more than an hour.

Though I was on my Dad's back, I wasn’t comfortable either. I was fat at that time and it may have been hard for Dad to hold me for such a long time. He almost fell down four or five times. In hopes of decreasing my father's burden, I tried to "carry" myself, through force of will alone. That may sound funny, but I was just a kid. Of course, I achieved nothing.

When we arrived home, the inside of our house was covered with rain water. The rain had come through our leaky roof and puddles were everywhere. Mom put bowls and tubs all around the house to try to catch the rain. Then she put me and my elder brother to bed, carefully placing us on the remaining dry spots. I fell asleep soon. When I opened my eyes, I found Dad and Mom were sleeping in chairs, both having caught bad colds.

This is my very earliest memory, and luckily, it represents nothing but my parents’ love. I realized the depth of my parents’ great love for the first time. Though the evening has long since passed, and now we live a happy life, I won’t forget the rain we lived through together. The rain, that evening, and especially my parents' love, will stay in my mind forever.